Hey, if I am paying, I vote for childcare, not a king’s Ballroom

Yesterday, while looking at the NiraPro Laser 2 for the 40th time, trying to justify spending $374 on my own vanity — with a kid in college and another I need to get into some kind of vocational program for people with learning disabilities — I was lambasted by Lindsey Graham telling me I should help pay for a $400 million ballroom. For the good of the nation. For the safety of the President. WT actual F. Are there actually people buying this?

Can I do that? Can I claim that lasering 57 years off my turkey neck is good for my family? I mean, if I don't have a turkey neck, surely we'll all be safer. I'll look younger and more capable, so would-be muggers and prairie dogs will be far less likely to attack me. (I am surrounded by prairie dogs. It is a goal to sneak them into every piece I write.)

Yes, the blessed ballroom — the one that will fix all the problems none of us knew we had until Prez Goldfinger came to power. Why can't he just admit that, like my laser, this is a vanity project? He wants to leave his mark all over Washington. The biggest ballroom. The biggest arch. The God-iest Air Force One. His name on everything he can get away with. He is marking his territory by peeing on everything — and all of us.

Of course, with some creativity, we could use this to our advantage.

Let's start with the National Parks. Goldfinger has been gutting research and the NPS because it's too natural — nothing gold or Trump-tacky available at any of the parks. But what if there were? What if every park entrance featured a gold statue of Trump? What if we commissioned three research facilities — one on the West Coast, one in Yellowstone, one on the East Coast — all bearing Trump's name? Gold and tacky on the outside, state-of-the-art on the inside. You know, like the liar he's apparently creating beneath the blessed ballroom. I'm sure if he believes these are satellite bunkers, he'll throw money at them like confetti. And scientists, of course, are the safest possible people to staff such places. Who else could you trust to guard the regime in the event of a bio-drone attack?

As much as I love the NPS, what I'd really like to slip into the budget is childcare funding. I know it's too big a problem for any one trick to solve. But imagine: a Donald J. Trump Childcare facility in every major city in the country. His name plastered across the top. Giant murals — not unlike his Jesus-healing-the-sick portrait — except in these, he's guiding the little American children. They will, of course, all be very white and very beautiful. We wouldn't want anyone to get the mistaken impression that he cares about all the children. The very white children won't typically need state-funded care, but we won't bring that up.

In fact, we could do that thing he always insists liberals are doing — hire people to perform. A chorus of cherubic white children gathered around him as he signs the DJ Trump Childcare Act into law.

Actually, scratch that. None of us want children anywhere near the Goldfinger.