Move-in Day from a Safe Distance

Aka sending soothing vibes to every parent and kid heading off to college

Good Morning from Boulder’s Edge. I am sitting in the calm of my back porch while all over the country and right over the Mesa from me, students are pouring like ants into universities for a new semester of learning and all the other “stuff” that happens at college. For the past few days one of my closest friends has been here. Our kids met in Kindergarten. In two days her son will start his first semester at CU. The amount of time it took to read those two sentences, that is how quickly children go from kinder to college. No, seriously, there is some space time continuum, any parent can confirm this. Days that last years, years that are gone in days. It is spectacularly universal and it ain’t easy. I have been watching my friends, remembering this moment. We went through it two years ago when Helen up and moved 700 miles away. There are two points in time I would never go back to; high school and my kid’s last year of HS/first semester of college. Both times are filled with anxiety. 

When Helen ventured off 2 years ago, I was terrified that she wouldn’t make friends. This fear was validated by the CU parents FB page. These pages for the most part just reinforce your greatest nightmares, tales of kids who are so painfully lonely, who haven’t connected with anyone-for months. Or, they have a pothead roommate, or one who has their boy/girlfriend over every night.

The coping mechanism I shared with my friend this morning, First Semester Activities Director. I scoured all the events, all the activities happening and threatened my somewhat introverted daughter to get her ass out there and meet people. The only way to meet people is to put yourself in social situations and risk not connecting until you eventually do. The activities director role is even easier now with AI there to give all the information that is often buried somewhere hard to find on a university website. This role gives far away Mom’s a purpose and overwhelmed Freshman solid anchors to launch a social life from. I sent a few ideas each day (this was only for the first few weeks when they have tons of Freshman get togethers) for events 1 to 2 days out. I would ask if any tickled her fancy and would follow up on the ones she liked most so she wouldn’t miss them. Two years in, I have had confirmation that this was a good involved parent strategy without being too involved. It led to some lasting friendships that have supported the ups and downs of college life. 

This brings me to my friend’s son. He is great, well-mannered, thoughtful, not athletic, not unathletic, not a joiner, not a loner, not obnoxious, not boring. He is the Three Bears equivalent of just right. But in a world dominated by smart phones, head phones, Fraternity groupies and jocks (this guy is not one of those guys), will he find his people? I hope so. I think it is harder now than it was in my day. I have been in the C4C cafeteria and anyone alone is on their phone. Usually with earbuds. Honestly I don’t think this generation realizes how unapproachable that is. I have accidentally interacted with people who were watching something on their phone and they were strangely eager to engage with me. A lot of the time it is a cover so that people don’t seem lonely, but it covers so well, it perpetuates it. It is easy to give the advice to not be one the phone all the time but oh my God, you kind of look like a weirdo now if you aren’t. “Look at that oddball just staring at their food and looking around at people. Their phone is right there, why aren’t they on it? Are they part of the Twelve Tribes cult looking for recruits? Oh God, I just made eye contact. I am out of here.” 

Maybe it isn’t that bad, maybe it’s worse. I can’t imagine how brave it is to go off to college now not knowing anyone. I am sitting on my back porch with the birds and the prairie dogs, completely avoiding the mad house of move in. I know hwy 36 is jam packed full of people. It is full of anxiety, parents for their kids and students worried they will be social pariahs. I want to shout out from a megaphone “YOU ARE WONDERFUL. Remember your 5 year old self. The self who walked over to the other kid on the swing and asked if they wanted to play. Be that version of yourself.” 

Maybe that is what colleges and high schools need now. Big kid playgrounds with swings, slides, splash pads and foam fights. The time from kinder to college isn’t that long. Perhaps a travel back to the goofy connections of yesterday are exactly what is needed for today. An oversized squishy park with 20ft dragons to climb and a tunnel of the digestive track to walk through and ick out at with other baby adults. 

My friend returned a few hours ago.  She gave me a look, something had changed.  Three hours before she had been anxious, she was still of course wrestling all the complicated feelings of drop off. But now, there was….relief?And definitely a proud mom glow.  Apparently her son reached out a hand in the elevator and confidently introduced himself.  The person he met happened to be the R.A.  The most connected person on the floor.  Not a jock, not a Frat guy, not a loner….just another just right guy.